Vox Publica

According to a study by Dr. Meir Steiner, sleep deprivation can lead to postpartum depression. Allowing new moms to sleep in the hospital, by having their babies taken during the night (and presumably not waking them up every 4 hours to check on them) helps reduce the chances of getting it. Steiner encourages new moms to continue a restful regimen at home, telling their partners that lack of sleep may make them grumpy while it make moms depressed.

It's true, having a baby doesn't only make you lose your memory but it also turns you into a blabbering idiot. Lack of sleep, stress over the demands of parenthood and other things conspire to distract you and make you unable to think. In the latest example of how far my brain has gone, yesterday I found myself preparing a cup of tea by putting a mug of water not in the microwave, where I usually put it, but on the stove... and turning on the fire.

Our baby daughter Camila has been suffering from bouts of bad gas that make her cry and shriek in pain. It's heartbreaking and frustrating to see her suffer so, so when I came across Why Is My Baby Crying? : The Parent's Survival Guide for Coping with Crying Problems and Colic by Barry Lester of the Colic Clinic, at the library, I was quick to pick it up and read it. It was a complete waste of time.

Camila, fortunately, does not seem to suffer from colic, at least under the old definition which suggested that colic was unconsolable crying that lasted for at least 3 hours a day, was happening for at least 3 days a week and had been going on for at least 3 weeks. Wisely, Dr. Lester rejects this definition which would have parents endure 27 hours of crying before they could even call it colic (though he does so because he believes so much crying is "normal", affecting about 20% of babies) and instead offers a diagnosis of crying based on its sudden onset, the quality of the cry (often a pain cry), its physical signs (pulling legs to chest, getting doubled over, holding breath, red face, etc.) and its inconsolability. More importantly, he looks at the consequences of the crying and determines its colic if it causes "clinically significant distress in the family or impairment in the infant". Under that definition, you could say that Camila has colic.

Diagnosing her is of little use, however, if there is nothing that can be done about it. Apparently there is treatment for colic, Dr. Lester writes about his success stories at the Infant Development Center in Rhode Island at length. But the book offers few hints as to what such treatment might be. In some anecdotes, children with colic were diagnosed with GER, given Zantac and had their parents hold them semi-reclined after feedings and elevate the heads of their cribs - but these seem to be a minority of children who suffer colic. Advice for other cases is scant. The one thing that does come through is that parents should not be blaming themselves, and that they should leave the baby with a babysitter at least once a week and get a breather and an opportunity to work on their relationship. That's useful advice for any new parents, but doesn't do much to help the baby.

I did learn one useful thing from the book: to distinguish between regular cries and cries of pain. The latter are "high-pitched, loud, and of sudden onset and include long periods of breath-holding " - a great description of Camila's cries when (IMHO) she has gas. But again, the book provides no hints as to how I can help Camila through the pain.

It's not surprising that the book has no information as to what causes colic, nobody seems to know, but it does make the title of the book a little deceptive. After reading it I have no more clue as to why Camila is crying than before. Indeed, the book seems to dismiss the idea that these pain cries are due to gas (though as she often passes gas immediately after shrieking, I do think they are strongly linked) but offers no other explanations.

Dr. Lester's purpose in writing the book seems to be to make parents of colicky children feel better: it's not your fault, take care of yourself and each other, and this too shall pass. Great, but what do we do in the meanwhile?

Dr. Lester is not the only expert with a take on colic. An article in the New York Times earlier this week discusses the new thinking on colic, much of it by researchers who do not come close to agreeing with each other.

r. Ronald G. Barr, a pediatrician and leading authority on colic at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, for example, argues that babies with colic are not in pain and that their cries do not sound different from other cries. Obviously, he's never heard Camila. He thinks colic is a stage of normal development that babies will outgrow. I don't disagree with that - but again, I want to know what to do to help Camila until she outgrows it.

Dr. Ian St. James-Roberts, an expert in child development at the University of London Institute of Education, also believes that colic is normal and caused by changes in the brain that occur at around 6 weeks in development. That makes sense and should explain some type of crying, but not the tensed up, red-faced, expanded stomach, clenched fist shrieking that Camila undergoes between bouts of gas passing. Dr. James-Roberts advise to parents is to try to soothe the babies but if the crying persists to walk away. That, I think, is a usually a bad idea both for parents and babies. Even if a baby continues crying, you can't discount the possibility that the baby is comforted by his parents attempts to soothe him or even by their mere prescence. Abandoning the baby to his own misery will definitely not comfort him and is likely to send the message that his parents don't care for him. At the same time, as horrible as crying is, I think parents need to learn to deal with it, accept it and accept their own limitations and not just walk away from it or from other parenting situations that they cannot fix.

Finally comes Dr. Harvey Karp with his book The Happiest Baby on the Block (which I haven't read). His approach is to see the first 3 months of a baby's life as the fourth trimester of pregnancy and try to calm babies by approximating the conditions of the womb as much as possible. He suggests that babies be first swaddled, then held in one's arms or on one's lap and rolled onto their side or stomach, then LOUDLY shushing them in their ear, then jiggling them and finally giving them a finger to suck. Apparently doing these things in order is what helps. There are no studies that confirm his method works, but his books has gotten mostly positive reviews at Amazon.

In all, the New York Times article has convinced me that babies cry for different reasons and that it doesn't help to see "colic" as one syndrome. Instead, the different types of colic should be studied and treatment options developed.

As for me, I'll continue looking for ways to make my baby's gas get better.

I fear that my daughter doesn't value enough her toys and possessions and that this is completely my fault. You see, when Mika was small I made a point to let her know that anything she lost or damaged could easily be replaced. I simply did not want her to be heartbroken, much less traumatized, by the loss of some cherished toy. That worked too well, as her response to such losses now is �we need to buy another one.� I express my agreement and sometimes - when she doesn�t forget - I even comply.

This perhaps foolish behavior is, of course, rooted in my own childhood. When I was a young kid I had a precious toy monkey. As my mother continues to remind me, buying such monkey was a huge sacrifice for her, it cost a whole month of salary (the disproportionate cost of children toys in Argentina is a subject for another essay). She, clearly more than I, greatly valued it.

The details of the event are hazy in my memory. I remember how my grandmother used to take me, perhaps every day, to an area behind the tennis courts at the Estudiantes de La Plata club where they had a couple of swings (why there, I have no idea). One day apparently I insisted in taking this toy monkey with me and apparently I left it behind. As one can expect, it wasn�t there when we came to look for it.

My mother responded as she often does, by giving me a huge guilt trip about it. At such a tender age, my desolation at the loss had more to do with hurting and disappointing my mother than with missing the actual toy, though I can still feel the pain of that loss. For years, whenever I would go into that area I would look for the missing monkey, my hope not fully defeated by my anguish.

That was the first (or second, I also lost my mother�s doll at my preschool, yet another traumatic event that still aches me) of many losses. In the years to come, not only was I to leave behind toys and clothing (that P.E. jacket in second grande and then again in fifth grade), but also books, purses and a myriad of keys and sun glasses (I�ve taken to buy the latter at the 99-cents store, so that I don�t have to feel bad when I lose yet another pair). When I was in college I took to wearing my room key around my neck, but that didn�t prevent me from losing my meal card two or three times - and going hungry for a few days while I put together the $25 replacement charge.

Losing my passport in Turkey led me to a pleasant cultural experience when I visited the local police station to make the report. The super-efficient Turkish police actually had it - they had picked it up within moments of my dropping it at a central bus stop. They regaled me with teas and conversation, while they laughed at my folly. Losing it again in Mexico had much less pleasant consequences. I couldn�t get it back, and the Mexican authorities kept me overnight at the Mexico City airport, from where I�d meant to take a plane to Tijuana, to see if I indeed had the legal right to go to the United States. On the plus side, the cost of replacing the green card I�d lost along with my passport, is what finally compelled me to become a US citizen. A few years later, I�d lose my US passport in Peru and learn about the difficulties of getting US-size passport pictures in that country (I finally got one by a makeshift photographer outside of the consulate). At that time, I was able to get my passport replaced in a hurry thanks to the intervention of my congressman, but I wouldn�t count in being able to do it again.

My propensity for losing things was my main reason for telling my fianc� to forgo an engagement or wedding ring - I�d already lost a precious ring my favorite aunt had given me (it had slipped off my finger while putting laundry to dry outside a 4th floor window in an apartment in Cairo, and fell into a pile of garbage from which I could not get it back), and I didn�t want to risk this happening again. Mike did buy me a cheap colorful ring during our honeymoon in Guatemala, and needless to say I have no idea where it is.

With the passage of time, I have made my peace with losing things. I don�t buy or carry anything that I can�t afford to lose, and make a point of not becoming strongly attached to any material possession.

But I�m not sure if this is an attitude I should be teaching my daughter. I don�t want her to be careless, of course, but I also recognize that little children will forget and lose things. At her age, her focus should be on having fun, not in making sure she brings back everything with her (that should be my job, and we already know how much I suck at it). And I don�t want her to be in pain when she does lose something that is dear to her. So I�ve taught her that we can alway buy another one of anything. Now I wonder if that was a good lesson.

A few months ago she was very attached to a baby doll that we�d bought at Habitot. My husband would check that she had it whenever we went anywhere, but it still managed to be left behind at a hotel in Hilo. We were about an hour away from the hotel by the time she pointed out the loss, and were simply not willing to go back to get it. She was somewhat distraught by its loss, but quickly accepted that we�d get another one next time we went to Habitot. She did insist that we take her there as soon as we returned from that trip, and I indeed bought her another baby doll. A few months later, she pays only occasional attention to it.

But I�m left with the question of whether I�ve done the right thing. At 2 or 3 years old, is it really better to have love and lost a toy than to never have loved a toy at all? Am I interfering in her creating critical relationships with inanimate objects that will teach her the beauty of unconditional love (I mean, who can you love or be loved by more unconditionally than a toy?). Am I preventing her from learning how to properly grieve and making it more difficult for her to recover from losses in the future? As I write this, I rather think yes and yet, grieving over lost toys has certainly not made me into an emotionally well-adjusted individual.

Ultimately, this is just another example of how difficult parenting is, how the best intentions can lead us to dramatically mess up our kids, and how whatever choices we make are likely to be the wrong ones.

I don't know if it's too late for Michaela to start valuing her toys more, but I think next time she does lose one she values I may be less prompt to tell her it can be easily replaced.

Before Camila was born I thought I might be able to get away without buying a new stroller to accomodate my two children. We already had two stroller and a third one seemed overkill. Mika can walk quite well, and our Peg Perego Pliko has a very small platform that would allow her to ride standing up if the need be.

Things didn't turn out as planned. The platform in the Pliko is almost useless when the sit is reclined all the way, you can ride on it, but only by leaning back a great ammount. Moreover, Mika immediately declared that this was her stroller, and that she wanted to sit on it. I figured she already had enough displacement issues as it was, and it probably wouldn't help her much to be literally displaced from her stroller.

But even when I could convince Mika to let Camila ride while she woke, the logistics didn't work well. Michaela is three and convinced she must explore every single thing in her environment, from each and every parking meter and tree, to every leaf and piece of garbage in the floor, to every vegetable, animal or mineral that chances upon her path. Walking with her is a painfully slow affair, made even more miserable by Camila's general discomfort with stroller-riding and the likelihood of having her scream at the top of her lungs if we stop at all.

So by the time Camila was a few weeks old we realized we did need to get a double stroller. Several people, including my sister Kathy, recommended the sit n' stand, as a smaller, lighter alternative. The reviews of it at epenions and other websites were mixed, but I figured I'd buy a used one off craigslist and if it didn't work out, I'd sell it. So far it has been working out.

We got a pretty basic model for $45. It didn't come with the bottom basket which I've read is inaccesible when the front seat is down (as it must be to accomodate an infant seat) anyway. This is inconvenient, but we take a couple of sturdy empty bags (Mike has gotten many of these at computer conferences) that we can use to carry groceries and what-have-you. This stroller, unlike newer models, does not have the attachment to lock a carseat - but ours fits quite well, and while it's not locked in, it seems quite secure in the seat. A final problem is that the sun cover is meant for a second rider sitting down - it would be nice if it was taller and would cover Michaela while she rides standing up.

But other than that it has worked great for us. Michaela is happy to ride standing up, while when I picked her up in her own stroller she always insisted in walking part of the time, now she's happy to just ride which makes trips back and forth much quicker. It's true that in that position she can't fall asleep, and generally by the time we're headed home she's really tired, but as I say to her, it's better than having to walk.

I particularly like how easy the sit n' stroll is to steer. It's much easier than all the other strollers I've had, and I can even steer it with one hand if I have to. It does feel quite light as well, obviously less so when Michaela is on it. I've had no problems getting it over the curb and up and dow the steps at home, though I do have to face these steps straight on and make sure Camila is secured to the car seat, lest she fall down at that angle.

All this said, one of my friends has a new model (they look pretty similar) which she uses as a double stroller and she doesn't like it at all. The stroller veers towards one side and she finds it very hard to steer. Even with the two seats in the vertical position, the basket is hard to access.

So obviously this is not a product that will work for everyone, I'm happy that so far it works for me.

As for the picture, that's what Mika does just as soon as Camila shows signs of starting to cry.

I'm not a big reader of parenting books but I saw Unconditional Parenting at the library, was intrigued by the title and impressed by its long list of references. If somebody is telling me how to raise my children, I'd like to see what they say justified by some research.

The book presents a very simple idea: parents should not just love, but approve of their children unconditionally, and should therefore not subject them to either negative or positive judgements. That means, parents shouldn't punish or criticize their children for bad behavior, but also that they shouldn't reward them or praise them for good behavior. Ultimately, parents shouldn't be trying to control their children.

Despite, or perhaps because I am a pretty controlling and judgemental person, I completely agree with this philosophy. I find many problems with the concept of controling a child. First, I think that it destroys trust. Ultimately, I want my child to do what I say because she trusts that I do know best in that specific instance and that I have her best interest at heart, not just because I say so. I want my child to question authority - be it the government's, her teacher's or mine - and I want to learn to trust my child, so that I can help her build trust on herself. Controlling her goes against that core idea.

For the first 2 1/2 years of Mika's life, I never really had to face the issue of discipline. My expectations of Mika are fairly low (or, as I would say, realistic given her age) and she never really did anything "bad". But we started having some behavior issues after the baby was born - her disobeying me, throwing things to the floor, deliberately peeing and pooping in the floor of her room, crying all the way home. I must confess that at first I didn't react well to this behavior. The baby (the probably cause of the behavior in the first place) was consuming much of my time and I was too tired and sleepy to engage Mika. So instead I "punished" her. By this I mean I showed her I was angry at her, I yelled at her and even sent her to her room in several occasions. Yes, they were terrible things for me to do and I'm quite sorry and ashamed of it. And of course the behavior didn't improve. Finally (after getting some advise from others) I decided to deal with the cause of the behavior rather than punish her for it, so I started being more sympathetic towards her, responding to her aggression in a more loving way, accepting her issues, and generally engaging her more throughout the day. The "bad" behavior stopped.

Indeed, "working with the child" is what Mr. Kohn recommends. That requires trust both on the child and yourself as a parent, and having the energy and the time to put into it, but I do believe that it pays off in the not-so-long run.

I was also glad to read Mr. Kohn's views against using "rewards" to control a child's behavior. I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of rewards, which seem to be little more than bribes to me. Now, I have used bribes in the past and I'm sure I'll continue using them (in a more limited basis, I hope) in the future, but I hate the idea of having to pay my child to comply with my requests. Plus it creates a bad precedent and they seem to go against self motivation.

But I am more uncomfortable with Mr. Kohn's position that "praise" is no different from material rewards, and should not be given to modify a child's behavior. I understand his point. On the one hand, we should not be judgemental of our children. We should approve of them unconditionally and not reward them with our praise (approval) just when they do something we like. Moreover, children should develop their own internal motivators and praise, as an external motivator, may impede these from arising. On the other hand, I am not sure whether I actually use praise to encourage specific behavior as much as to show my overall approval of her. I mean, I praise her whenever she does anything she choses to do, not just things I want her to do. I praise all her accomplishments because everything she does is impressive to me (Hmm, does this show her I have low expectations of her?). Kohn says that instead of praising, I should engage her, commenting or questioning about what she does. And that makes sense, though of course praise is more expeditious.

Anyway, I have been trying to not praise her so much, but it is really hard.

A possible criticism of the book is that it doesn't really provide specific alternatives to the reward-punishment system. What Kohn says is that you should work with your child and while that's fine and dandy, and I think it's likely to work in our specific case, I'm really not sure it will work with all children. There are kids who are just naturally "wilder" than others, less empathic, less adept at copying behavior - more prone to runing down the street or hitting their siblings. I think parents need a bit more guidance of what to do, if not reward or punish, in those cases.

Still, by the end of the book I was pretty satisfied with my own parenting methods. What I'm left wanting, though, is a book that will tell me how to control my impatience and my anger when I find DD difficult so that I can work with her productively.

In my life, I have collected many things: stamps, little bottles of perfume, pins, enemies, but I never thought I'd collect strollers. I'm not the kind of person who goes crazy over baby gear, I don't like to spend money on "stuff" and I don't have very much room in my house. Yet, three years after the birth of my first child I find myself with 3 full-size strollers and wondering if there will be more in my future.

We bought the first stroller, a Graco Travel System, before our firstborn, Michaela, was born. We knew we wanted a travel system so that we could transfer Mika from the car to the stroller with minimal problems, and indeed the stroller met my need for the first few months of Mika's life. It was comfortable enough for her, it had a large basket, and I took it back and forth to the supermarket and library practically every day. But the stroller was a bith to fold down and when folded it was difficult to carry and occupied most of the trunk of the car. When Mika was 8 months old and we planned our first trip with the baby we knew we'd need something lighter and smaller - and we went shopping for our 2nd stroller.

This turned out to be a Peg Perego Pliko Trek - a travel system which worked with our carseat (though it didn't lock) and which met most of our requirements: it was light, it folded down into an umbrella-shape, it folded down almost completely for naps, it came with a rain shield, it had all-terrain tires and a tray for the baby. I was in love, the stroller did well in Washington DC, in Park City, throughout Argentina, the Amish Country and NYC. I liked it so much that I stopped using my first stroller altogether (which, after loaning to a friend, I'll probably donate to a woman's shelter).

But, with the birth of a second baby, I needed a stroller that could accomodate two. At first I thought I could get away with using the Peg Perego and carrying the baby in a baby bjorn - my back strongly protested. I then thought I could try putting the baby in the stroller and having the 3yo ride on the little platform on the back - alas, that doesn't work when the seat slides down. Thus I relented and I bought my first double-stroller.

It wasn't a double stroller per se, but a sit-n-stand. That meant that I could put the carseat in the front seat of the stroller, and have my 3yo ride standing in the back. She protested a bit at being too tired and wanting to seat down, but mostly she has accepted it. I used it every day for four months to pick her up from school and stroll around town. I liked it a lot, it's light, I can steer it with one hand, it encourages Mika to not be too lazy and it's not as bulky as a double stroller. But alas, this week it stopped meeting my needs.

For one, my baby is growing. Soon she'll be out of the carseat and into the stroller proper. The sit-n-stand is very cool, but its front seat only reclines a little bit. Camila looked very uncomfortable lying on it. In addition, there is barely any room to seat in the back if the front seat is reclined. That's not a big problem if the kid in the back is standing, but Michaela has been waking up so early to go to school lately, that she is often tired by the time we head home after an afternoon of play. Yesterday she was so tired that she fell asleep standing up on the stroller. Not my ideal. Today I had her seat down in the back, but as the seat doesn't recline she looked and felt quite uncomfortable as well.

So I relented once again, I bought a double stroller. It's an old Cosco which I got off Craigslist for $45. I took it for a ride today and it's definitely not ideal. It's quite heavy and I have to fight to keep it straight on those sidewalks that slant sideways. It's long and bulky and takes a lot of space when folded. No way I could steer it with one hand. But it does have a large accesible basket, both seats recline, and it's considerably more comfortable than the sit-n-stand.

So here I am, with four strollers. I'll probably get rid of the Graco one as soon as the friend I loaned it to gives it back - but I'm going to keep the rest. Mike uses the Peg Perego one when he goes out with the girls - he baby bjorns Camila and Mika goes in the stroller. Plus I figure it'll be useful when Mika is off the stroller. It'll probably be the one I'll take to Argentina in my next trip, Mika will just have to accept riding on the back.

I'm also not ready to give up the sit-n-stand. I think I'll continue using it for trips around town when I don't think the girls will fall asleep. Eventually, though, I'll probably sell it. Or donate it :)

There is an article in the Guardian today about how a study by US researchers suggests that most cases of SIDS can be explained as accidental suffocation. Often times they are cases where the babies were sleeping with their parents and suffocated on their arms or pillows, or where something soft was in the bed. Sometimes their breathing was already compromised because they were sick.

I didn't find other mentions of this study in other newspapers, so I googled its authors and came about a very frightening presentation that included one of them. The researchers interviewed the parents of babies who were diagnosed with SIDS to find out exactly how they were sleeping, in many cases it was clear that their airducts had been or at least could have been obstructed.

As an avid cosleeper this is quite frightening information. I feel like I dodged a bullet and I wonder if I'm putting my now 13 months old baby at risk by keeping her in bed with us.

This week the Economist had a very interesting article about happiness in America - who is happy (conservatives and extremists on both sides of the political spectrum) and who is not (liberals). Parents are usually happier than non-parents, but not about spending time with their children.

Eating, shopping, exercising, cooking, praying and watching television were all rated more pleasurable than watching the brats, even if they don't bite. As Mr Brooks puts it: “There are many things in a parent's life that bring great joy. For example, spending time away from [one's] children.”

This makes me feel much better. I love my kids with all my heart, but I don't particularly enjoy spending time with them. I like to have them around, but not be responsible for their entertainment (or care, really). Fortunately, I'm not the only one who seems to feel this way.